Despite protestations to the contrary, photographic evidence from the 1999 Northwest Regionals shows the whale captive atop one of the Broadway Bod Busters' automobiles. Mike Hazel photo.
By Ken Burdick
NEAH BAY, Wash. -- The Broadway Bod busters deny any and all connection with the recent demise of a gray whale in Neah Bay, Wash.
Like the song says, I shot the sheriff, but did not shoot... (well
you know).
It is true that we once entered a whale in the ROW Scale event at the Roseburg, Ore., Regionals, and about the same time the Makah Tribe took a gray whale in 1999. We used diesel combat wings to dispatch the beast, not harpoons.
To quote Bart Simpson, "I didn't do it man!"
Gone are the days of entering anonymously as team "Whaley-Hunt"and other such trickery. We will never again enter an inflatable whale at the Northwest Regionals.
There have been rumors circulating that our recently cloned "Combat Monster" Don McKay and longtime friend Dirty Dan had something to do with all this.
I can say with conviction that they did not, but sources tell us that it may have been Mike Hazel.
Normally a peaceful man, Mike was observed to be doing some sort of tribal dance during the attack on the Roseburg whale and had to be subdued with hot dogs and beer at an undisclosed location. Further, Mike was openly opposed to the group chanting "save the whale" led by Tweed Manley and a local news team who got caught up in the moment.
A quote from one of the alleged members who did attack the gray this
week is nearly classic Mike Hazel lingo, thus throwing further suspicion
on the mild-mannered speed flyer and gourmandise.
Why mess around with a canoe?" Johnson said. "It would have been more people in jail, and we would have lost the canoe."
Could this be our Mike? Disguised as someone named Johnson?????
Say it ain't so!!!!!
The Bod Busters have been known to attack whales in the past and openly admit to this, but it's the quiet ones that you have to be careful of. Is Mike a serial Whale killer? NO! At least not as far as we can tell.
As leaders in many communities, The Broadway Bod Busters held an emergency meeting at our coastal marine center, we have agreed to a moratorium on whale hunts. We encourage Mike Hazel and his band of blood hirsty team members to do the same.
By setting an example of good clean living it is our hope that Mike and his accomplices may see the light and do the same.
Please, thanks are not necessary,
****The Broadway Bod Busters*** are after all a humble lot and consider this to be community service.
Attached are some pictures for your enjoyment. Both are recent photograph of the cloned "Combat Monster" Don McKay. As they say, "The Bod Busters don't make no junk."
The first picture was taken by me as I was trying to escape. A clumsy lab assistant unwittingly left a mirror in the room. Don was in the process of choking me after seeing his reflection. Again we employed a cute blonde with big hair to lure the "Combat Monster" away from me. The second picture was taken after hiring Graham Kerr as a fashion consultant. This seemed to be acceptable to Don and no choking followed.
Don recently shocked the world by reinventing the pit box, he will submit an article as soon as we get him to stop throwing the computers across the room when he misspells a word, as I said earlier "training of monsters in an arduous undertaking."
Photos above show one of the flights being launched before an attack on the whale, and author Ken Burdick describing the attack at the briefing later on, with Jeff Rein, Tweed Manley, Dave Green and Jim Green giving close attention. Mike Hazel photos.
In a statement we call "spilling your guts," Mike Hazel revealed the following:
I can't believe that some traitorous individual within my ranks would
have fingered me for clandestine whale hunting.
(See picture of potential suspects at right)
However, please believe that my intentions were both noble and scientific, although somewhat self-serving. Having heard some rumor of a castor bean blight, I reasoned that there would be an impending castor oil shortage.
While I use this product in just modest proportions, I was concerned about my stunt-flying brethren who of course could not exist without their heavily castor-laden elixir to power their toys. (Just imagine all the Fox 35 users having absolute fits over the thought of doing without their magic 29% mix).
As everyone knows, whale oil was once a quite popular product for various uses, and I thought that it could very well serve for a castor substitute.
So yes, in reality this was an attempt at profiteering,
and perhaps receiving some sort of PAMPA Medal of Honor for rescuing
the sport from a certain demise due to the lack of suitable lubrication
to put into the fuel.
Alas, then I finds out that the castor bean blight rumor was false, perhaps leaked to my people to see just what I would do about it. All that whale oil to experiment with, so I go to work in the speed lab to see if it might yield a fuel that is more powerful and faster. (Mike Hazel Lingo example: "Fast is good, faster is gooder.")
Alas again, the whale oil is a no go as the rpm's dropped and the exhaust smelled fishy. I attempted to peddle several drums of the stuff to local restaurants, figuring it would be the perfect ingredient for fish & chips, but gave up after having several doors slammed in my face. I now have the product listed on eBay, and am hoping that some Northern Alaskan tribes have Internet service.
My whale hunting days are done. (Photo at left shows that Mike found another use for the whale oil).
In yet another misguided attempt to help, The Broadway Bod Busters sequestered, (abduction is an ugly word) the ailing designer of speed models who in our opinion had "cracked like an egg" or was somehow "broken like a cheap Barbie on iBuy.com."
Deserted by his bloodthirsty band of men who ran like "snakes in the basement" Mike was adrift in a sea of whale oil and despair.
He seemed calmer once the net was removed, and we were lulled into a false sense that he would cooperate with our attempts to rehabilitate him.
Some of you who do not fly combat may not be familiar with the Broadway Bod Buster rehabilitation center.
We find it helpful to remain centered after intense competitions.
The chirping birds, elevator music, and sedatives have brought such notables
as Buzz Wilson out of catatonic states of drool, and back
to a semiproductive life tyle.
Located in British Columbia, the fresh air and mountains that surround the facility would be just the thing to get Mike back on track.
It is however true, that our rehab center was once used as a TB ward and in later years a mental institution. Pictured at right is the "Combat Monster" Don McKay recovering from an unfortunate incident brought about while trying to spell banane for his article on pit boxes, Don had once again gone berserk. The beer spilt on his cloning caused mild dyslexia, his attempts to spell banana were dashed, and the rubber room had to be employed.
All combat flyers know of course this is the French for banana and as always one must blame the French for unfortunate accidents like this.
Mike's escape occurred while I was playing the two finger waltz and passing out medications to both of the "guests" who up to this point seemed cordial.
Without warning or so much as a "look out below,"
Mike, with lightening speed, drew out a hand mirror with a picture of the
much bruised face of the overly sensitive "Combat Monster"
Don McKay.
Mike had pasted the picture on the reflective surface of the mirror, held it up in front of McKay and shouted,
"HOW YA LIKE ME NOW CUPCAKE!"
The effect was immediate, Mike was thrown out the nearest window and the enraged "combat monster" once again ran amuck. I suspect that Mike had planned this from the start as his escape route from the otherwise peaceful surroundings.
Mike is currently "at large" as they say. If you should see him hitchhiking South from B.C. approach with caution and don't mention Whales, or PAMPA.
Combat Monster resting in a sedated condition.
This page was upated Sept. 25, 2007